Stop being a victim

Bad shit rolls downhill. So does good shit, and any other kind of shit you can imagine. But what I want to talk about is the shit in my life. The kind that’s been with me since I was a child. I’m done with it. I’m done worrying about it. And I’m done looking away. Let’s deal with it already – and move on. Let’s turn it into fertile ground and plant some plants in it. Let’s, please, just get rid of that stinking, awful smell.

It’s hard to accept that I might not ever truly know why I am the way I am. All I know is, I want to take my own experiences and make them meaningful somehow. I want them to mean something to someone other than me. Otherwise, what’s the point? I don’t know how many other people there are that can relate to what I’ve been through or where I’m headed. I sometimes feel like I’m an alien of some sort. But that’s pretty common, right? Feeling like you don’t belong? Because difference is something we all have in common.

But no matter how weird I am, or screwed up I think my past was, I don’t want to be someone who constantly makes excuses for why I can’t get ahead in life. I’ve gotten this far in life and I’m doing OK. Build on the strengths you have and learn from the weaknesses. Learn to work with those weaknesses, because ultimately they make you more interesting and more rounded. Or so the theory goes.

My partner, too, suffers from trauma. It can be hard to handle sometimes. But I know I want to build a future with her, and we are getting the help we need to help each other. I want to learn to support her. I want to be there for her in a way that no one else has been able to be there for her. And I know she wants to be there for me too. She is helping me see my own value for maybe the first time in my life. My trauma is pretty different from hers. It’s about moving to a different continent at a very vulnerable age (11 years old), a country rife with racism, bloodshed and hypocrisy. And no one really to talk to about my difficulties adapting, no one who really understood what I was going through. Then it’s coming to terms with my gender and the storm of pain that followed as a result. It’s about losing friends to suicide, and struggling with suicidal tendencies myself. It’s about losing my father in the worst possible way, and losing my family’s support in the process.

But I’m ready to look beyond all that now to something else. It’s also about recognizing the suffering of my parents and how that rendered them helpless to truly be present in their children’s lives. It’s about how a culture of lies and deceit and repression, and a legacy of emotional, verbal and physical abuse spreads like a virus through generations – until someone stops to treat it.

I want to understand how trauma changes people and how it can be transformed into something positive. I want to turn my life into more than just a dirge and speak out, not just for myself but for those who came before me and for those struggling today and tomorrow.

Maybe if I truly understand how trauma works, maybe if I am able to truly communicate that to others, I can make this world a slightly less troubled place. Maybe, just maybe, healing is possible. Wouldn’t that be wonderful.

We all deserve to feel safe, in our homes, in our bodies and in our souls. That is what I wish for myself and everyone else.

Let’s make it happen.

 

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5 thoughts on “Stop being a victim

  1. Jamie Ray

    Sometimes I think that the best thing we can do is just to tell the truth. To fill the void with all of our stories and to document our lives. We have lost so many along the way, whether it be by suicide or drugs or alcohol or just being unable to cope with the pressure and difficulties of being trans.

    I am not sure that I can turn my trauma into something positive, but I struggle not to let myself be completely defined/constrained by it.

    Reply
    1. thekeenobserver Post author

      Thanks Jamie Ray. Yes, suicide is a way too common in the trans community (A 2011 US study found that out of 6,400 trans subjects something like 41% had attempted suicide – compared to a 1.6% rate for the general public). Hopefully with the rise of trans visibility, we will see more and more people reach out for support – and receive the help they need. As far as trauma goes, you’re right: hard to see it as positive. But ultimately I don’t think it’s possible to move beyond it until we accept it for what it is. Doesn’t mean we have to be defined by it, but whether we like it or not, it shapes us. I, for one, want to make sure it shapes me in the right way: by making me more open, caring person, rather turning me into someone who’s bitter and angry all the time. Not always so easy though. Agreed on the importance of “filling the void with our stories” – nice way of putting it.

      Reply
  2. godtisx

    Keep blogging, making videos, reaching out and the experiences you and your partner have can be used to help and guide others. And though you shouldn’t do it for this reason, it will make you both feel tremendous inside. You’re dealing with alot, but I respect and admire your will to do something positive with these experiences, somehow.

    Reply

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