Morning shine

So up til now I’ve had the habit of writing on my blog in the evenings when I’m done work. Partly this is because I have, traditionally, been more awake at night than in the morning, partly it’s because I have a bad reputation of not waking up in the mornings when I set my alarm.

But I’d like to try to write in the morning rather than the evening, and use the evening to read. It’s supposed to be better anyhow – it gives your mind a chance to rest and unwind before bed time. Writing in the evening is sort of like going for a jog right before you clamber into bed. Sure, you feel good while you’re doing it but it’s pretty hard to feel sleepy once you’ve got the blood pumping.

I notice this morning that the incessant hum I noticed last night is still here. It’s freaking loud too. Our bedroom is right beside the boiler room so when we moved in I noticed it immediately, but it seems to be so much louder these days. Will I ever get used to it I wonder? Now the trains have started up too. Is it always this noisy in the mornings?

But that’s not what I wanted to talk about.

In August I will attend the Gender Odyssey conference in Seattle. Started in 2001, it’s the largest conference for transgender people in the world. Every year about 500 transpeople and their allies attend it, coming from all walks of life and from a range of countries (though mostly from the States of course). Usually the keynote speakers are themselves trans or people who specialize in working with our population. This year Jamison Green will be in attendance. He is a highly visible transman of an older generation who is pretty much in every documentary about trans issues out there. OK maybe not every single one. But a lot of them.

On the schedule this year is also the screening of a documentary about the world’s first transgender gospel choir (yeah, no kidding!). It’s called The Believers. Now that sounds pretty interesting.

The conference is jam-packed with workshops. Topics vary from deciding which chest surgery to have to workshops on how to approach coming out to your family to how the brain is different between trans people and regular people. The part I most look forward to is being in a room with so many others like me – people who have made the journey or are on the same path. For once we will be a majority rather than a small minority. I hear the energy is infectious. I can’t wait.

Well, so far this morning thing feel pretty disjointed. Hard for my brain to focus on anything this early. How do people do it? What I really should do is write fiction or poetry or something. This is the kind of mind space that would come up with something pretty creative I wager. My inner censor is impeded; I have a general feeling of laissez faire.

Morning

In my room

a hum so piercing

my ears flap closed

like those of elephants

my fingers tap in desperate

search of distraction

guiding my mind into a different

conversation. But

the hum persists. A constant

companion, more steady

than the moon. Only when

I put on my uniform – pin-striped pants,

blue business shirt and black tie with shiny

grey stripes – will I leave it

for another noise. This one loud and pressing too,

of ambition reaching its long arm to grab

a corner of a flat but unequal earth

and grow it like a plant, tall and strong.

Only recently has mine felt the right mix

of sunlight and water on its leaves, it soil.

Will it grow?

I am trying.

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